Demotivated

I'm cleaning out my emotional closet - so to speak - with these last few posts.
I'm writing small snippets about big things that are a negative force in my life, in the hopes that this will clear the way for more positive posts in the coming new year.  

I've made great progress, though most of it is psychological rather than physical during the past 9 months of my 13 month Healthy Lifestyle journey.

I've only lost 20 pounds... I was hoping I could say 25, because that would be halfway to my goal of losing 60 pounds, but 20 it is, and 20 it stays.

I have established regular physical activity a few times a week as a norm in my life.  This is up significantly from NO physical activity!

I've all but eliminated pop, diet or otherwise from my life, and from that of my family - which I consider a great achievement.

I understand the role that food logging plays when you are trying to lose weight.  I don't do it regularly, but it really helps when I do.

The combination of weight loss, eating better, healthier food and smaller portions, and increased exercise has greatly improved many of the things that were causing my physical pain.  My knees do not hurt anymore.  My joints ache sometimes, but much less than they used to.  My hot flashes and menopausal symptoms have eased quite a bit, and most of those I can trace back to over-drinking wine.  I haven't improved much on that, but I think I need to hang on to at least one vice to keep me human!

So what is so negative about that you ask?  Well, nothing.  It's just the counseling aspect of this program that has me grinding my teeth.

The three of us who are in this particular group meet every other week with a weight loss counselor.  I knew when I started this that I was by far the smallest one in the group, with the smallest amount of weight to lose - by at least 100 pounds. But I hadn't been able to do it on my own, so at first, I felt like I could fit in.  And I did, for a while.  But when the psychological issues they had from being heavy all their lives, started to come out, I started to sense a bit of resentment from them.

This all came to a head at one of our bi-monthly meetings, after I'd obligingly answered the usual question of "What were some of your wins since we last met?"  I'd expressed my usual frustration at how slowly I was losing, when the guy member of our trio snapped at me "What the hell is it you want? You're thin and fit, and healthy.  I'd give anything to be your weight, and you are not happy with it."  The girl member then said, "Yeah, I think  you've won already."  (like this was a competition or something).  I absolutely didn't know what to say or how to react.  The counselor asked how that made me feel, and I wanted to punch her in the throat. This was exactly what I told her I was afraid of when I had my initial session with her.  I wondered if I would be antagonistic, or demotivating to the others.  She assured me that I wouldn't.

Right.

Now, while I'm feeling good about the program, my progress, and the things I've learned - I'm totally uncomfortable and afraid to return to any of these group sessions.