I'm all out of Mothers

It's official, I'm all out of Mothers.  Birth, in-law, out-law, ex and current.

Last year, in March, my own mother passed away after a long, sad journey with Alzheimers. I should say her body passed away - the mother I knew, and who knew me had been gone for quite some time.  In September, my ex-husband's mother passed away - apparently cracking wise until the end. I loved that feisty old broad.

Yesterday we got the news that Downtown Dad's mom, Helen, had passed suddenly, although not unexpectedly. As with my mom, the Helen we knew had left us a couple of years ago.

Certainly this is a time of transition for our family, and though it is a sad one, it has been a long time coming.  We've had plenty of time to process this, but you just never know how you'll feel until it happens. I have to admit though, to a certain sense of relief along with the sadness. (accompanied by a heapin' helpin' of guilt for feeling that relief) But like I said, this has been a long time coming.

In processing through this, it occurs to me that mothers, or mother figures, in addition to being a key relationship in our lives, also represent safety and comfort in an iconic way.  As if having lost their presence in the world, we are somehow more exposed to danger.  Not any tangible danger, but the misty, vague kind of danger that is the stuff of childhood nightmares.

...or maybe, just maybe, its the excitement and fear of having to stand on your own for the first time.

Relating everything as I do, to Disney movies, and always looking for a silver lining - I started thinking that mothers represent a comforting, safe theme in movies and stories too.  And heroes, especially Disney heroes hardly ever have a mother!  Think about it...

• Pinocchio - no mother.
• Peter Pan - no mother.
• The Sword in the Stone - Wart has no parents.
• The Rescuers - Penny is an orphan
• Tron Legacy - Sam Flynn - no mother. 
• The Great Mouse Detective - Olivia Flaversham - no mother.
• Beauty and the Beast - Belle - no mother
• Aladdin - orphan. Jasmine - no mother
• Pocahontas - no mother
• Pirates of the Caribbean - Elizabeth, Jack and Will - no mother.
• The Little Mermaid - Ariel no mother
• Bambi - Mother killed by a gunshot.
• The Fox and the Hound - Tod - Mother killed by a gunshot.
• Finding Nemo - Mother killed by barracuda 

I think, in fiction, and maybe in real life too, heroes who participate in epic journeys and adventures have to learn, grow, and stand on their own without a parent to provide guidance. The death or absence of a mother or guidance figure, brings this point to light, and creates the tension or drama that makes things interesting.

Could it be that by removing our sources of comfort and safety, some kind of drama or adventure for would-be heroes Lala and Downtown Dad is about to begin, as we are forced to confront the challenges of 2013 alone?

Tune in next time to find out!

Vindication

I'm cleaning out my emotional closet - so to speak - on these last few days of 2012.
I'm writing small snippets about big things that are a negative force in my life, in the hopes that this will clear the way for more positive posts in the coming new year.  

fam·i·ly

[fam-uh-lee, fam-lee] noun

All those persons considered as descendants of a common progenitor

Lately, it seems popular opinion has come to consider family as our most important institution.

But think of your own family. You play several different roles within it, and each person in it plays several different roles.  Son, Father, Brother.  Daughter, Mother, Sister.  Etc. Etc. Etc.
  
You are, in effect, many separate people, in a relationship with many different people, all of whom have differing interpretations of how, or WHO the others are, or should be.

Even with rules, laws and institutions in place to keep things on track, this is potentially a recipe for disaster.

I found out last year around this time that my own lifelong supposedly unfounded sense of mistrust, and fears about my father, were in fact, founded.

I write this here and now, mostly as backstory, so that I can link to it someday when I'm ready to write more deeply.  

Without going into too much detail, suffice it to say that my two older half sisters, daughters of my father and his first wife, twenty odd years older than my full sister and I, had been carrying a dark secret between them since before the two of us were born.  They chose the night after our Thanksgiving family reunion last year, once they had seen for themselves that our mother's Alzheimers had progressed to the point where she could no longer comprehend or communicate, to share this dark secret with us.

The funny thing is, that knowing as we do now, or not knowing as we did, just a few short minutes beforehand, really doesn't make any difference.  

I thought it would.  I was proven right all along about this man I never trusted, or respected. I was vindicated for all of the times I didn't show up for gatherings, or picked the company of my chosen family, my friends, over the ones who happened to be descendants of a common progenitor. 

But vindication, and the truth, as cleansing and freeing as they were, made absolutely no difference - that night, nor any night since then.

Sharper than a serpent's tooth

I'm cleaning out my emotional closet - so to speak - these last few days of 2012.
I'm writing small snippets about big things that are a negative force in my life, in the hopes that this will clear the way for more positive posts in the coming new year.  

I thought by using a quote from Shakespeare as the title, that it would make this post seem more literary, but I am just going to have to face the fact that it is a rant - pure and simple.

The thing Shakespeare is comparing to a serpents tooth, is a thankless child.

We all can relate to that.  I'll freely admit that all three of my children have been thankless to some degree at varying intervals. But this is about my oldest child, who, at 30something, really only qualifies as a child in the genetic sense.

He has suffered with some form of anxiety, depression, insomnia or addiction for the past 10 years, and due to a recent series of setbacks, seems to be teetering on the edge of a scary dark place.  In the past, I've been able to reach him, and cajole, guilt, shove, drag him back into what I only know as normal life. I don't know what normal is to him any more.

He's been a server at an upscale restaurant for the past nine years, but it recently changed ownership and he quit.  He's drifted from server job to server job each one worse, and for less pay, over the last three months.  Now he's under employed, and underpaid and has had to borrow money from us every month.  He lives in a hovel of an apartment with a roommate that hates him. He gave in to a shopping addiction prior to the job changes and spent all of his savings, and he has no health insurance.  He's never been on any form of antidepressant, and believes that sadness and loneliness is his lot in life.

Now, I'm a fixer. I'm also an eternal optimist.  I admit that I don't understand depression, although I'm trying.  I'm also trying to fix him.  It is my opinion that if he could get on some kind of assistance program and get the right medication, it would be a step in the right direction.  But he won't apply for the assistance, he thinks it is "beneath" him.  He also won't go to a doctor or anyone who might be able to provide some relief in the form of counseling, or a prescription.

I also have a plan B.  If he could get a full time job with benefits, he wouldn't have to apply for assistance, and he could just get the help he needs through his own insurance. There happens to be a job opening at the hospital I work for.  Full time with benefits. Its even the hours he's used to -  late afternoon into the evening. But again, he refuses to apply for it.  He thinks if he moves to Seattle, where his dad lives that everything will be better.  Fresh start.

I can understand needing to start over, but realistically, it's a more expensive economy there, with higher unemployment than our tiny little burg.  I'm honestly afraid he will be homeless if he does that.

I'm at my wit's end.  I can't listen to him complain about being tired and hungry, and hating the abuse he gets from where he works and where he lives, without doing something to FIX IT! I know I'm pushing him farther away with my constant suggestions, and damn positive attitude. I also know I'm just about the only "friend" he has left.

Am I enabling him by loaning him money?  Am I making things worse by suggesting ways to make his life better?  Or am I not being forceful or tough enough?  Is this the point where an intervention is necessary? Should I just let him go?