Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Yeah, whatever...

The one thing I am learning is that I don't have a very strong sense of comittment. But, ever the optimist... since today is the second day we are snowed in and housebound, I am going to catch up on all my writing projects. Well, maybe not all, but some. And no more scary pictures - yecccch! What was I thinking?

Friday, November 11, 2005

Who I AM

As I struggle to keep my focus this afternoon on filing 6 months of bills, and organizing the three-foot-high piles of paperwork, and the stacks and stacks of how-to-write propaganda, I have somehow come to a place where I can actualy start to see the real me. Is it the zen state brought on by three hours of filing? Is it the lack of blood from three hours of sitting on the floor? Is it the Eagles Hotel California Album playing over and over again that evokes snippets of me? Is it all of the above? Yes, yes, and a resounding YES!

In the year 1971 I think, I sat in front of the black and white TV set in the Den/Gramma's bedroom, with my Gramma, and my little sister and watched the Hallmark Presentation of Rogers and Hammersteins Cinderella. As shallow as it sounds now, 35 years later, that movie changed, or rather provided a framework for My Life.

I'm not sure where to start, because I can literally draw a comparison from everything that has happened to me, to my adolescent interpretation of Rogers and Hammerstein's interpretation of the story of Cinderalla as interpreted by the Grimm brothers. So you see how convoluted this is. I will save the whole-life extrapolation for future posts, what I would like to focus on right now is Tessie.

In 1971, when I watched that production, and related my gangly adolescent self to Leslie Anne Warren's portrayal of a pseudo gangly adolescent girl, my psyche grabbed those perky lyrics and cast them in the soundtrack of what became my life. I can't tell you how many times I've pondered one of life's dilemmas and had the lyric to a song from that show pop into my head. I'm embarrassed to confess how many times I've used those lyrics as a deciding factor.

So... fast forward to today - or earlier this week. Tessie and Bearly are both trying out for the Jr. High School Play. This year it is L'il Abner. For these auditions, children must learn a dance and choose a song to sing. For Bearly, who has exceeded at being both class clown and football hero, this is best compared to Chris Penn's performance in Footloose. As for Tessie, this is where I start to see WHO I AM.

Tessie, is, as she hates to admit, me. I, am, as I am kind of lucky to observe, alot like Tessie. In her search for a song to sing for the audition, Tessie chose....yes, the Impossible Song, from the Rogers and Hammerstien production of Cinderella. Her voice was perfect for it, and yes, my nostalgic anchor urged me to push her to choose that. I am totally embarassed to admit how I sweated her 'hour upon the stage.' But as we both high fived each other to celebrate - she made both the dance and singing call backs. Brother Bearly, who would charm the pants off of the audience in some comic role, only made the dance call backs, the announcement of which has slightly dampened his enthusiasm for this play.

So, this evening, as I am dutifully filing, which I liken to sweeping out the chimney, and as Bearly is galloping across the neighborhood countryside on his mighty steed.. er skateboard, and as Tessie is floating about the house singing In My Own Little Corner - I can't help but relate yet another line from that song to my life.... "I can be whatever I want to be."

Wednesday, November 9, 2005

Even If It's Not Visible

I am feeling an improvement. Especially in the skin on my face, it's smoother, and isn't breaking out as much. Now I'm not sure if it's the internal change of diet and all those antioxidant supplements or the topical application of DMEA and a moisturizer with Vitamin C Ester. But, I'm not the chemist here, I am but the lab rat charting my progress in this experiment.

It's interesting. So many things are changing, but we - our family - is not picking up and moving nor are we doing much of anything drastic. Several times in our lives Downtown Dad and I have felt what we call 'the winds of change' start to blow, and each time that's happened we've made a drastic change - relationship, career, state! This time, it seems as if we just needed to open our eyes and accept the changes, rather than effect them as we have in the past. I'm going to stick with me as the example, but just as an aside, the kids are really happy, they've got good friends and they are both getting good grades in school. The dogs seem happy - aside from Zoey not getting good grades in her potty training - all seems quiet on the canine front. As for Downtown Dad, well, once the stress eases up a bit I think he'll start feeling the effects of a better, healthier diet.

So, about the changes:

We've decided to take the house off the market and rent it out. I took a class last year that had me absolutely itching to buy and investment property and we just couldn't swing it financially. Now here we are with a lovely renovated vacant investment property just sitting in our laps - (smacking my forehead) - Duh!

I've applied for a Part Time position as a Human Resources Assistant, that offers flexible hours. This way I can hang on to my Realtor license in case somebody wants to buy a house from me by accident, and for the landlord tax write offs, and use my free time doing somethign I know, AND get a steady paycheck! (again with the forehead smacking)

I'm also working on negotiating a freelance writing gig in-house where I work. See, Realtors - real ones, not pretend ones like me, send out marketing propaganda - alot. Our company has recently switched to a marketing newsletter that no one likes, but it was thought that if we produced one in-house the costs would be too prohibitive. I've sprinkled hints here and there, and enough people know I can write - plus I've strategically placed myself as chairperson of the Marketing Advisory Committee, where the newsletter problem is being discussed. Long story short - it looks like our company will be producing a 4 page glossy marketing newlsetter monthly and I may be able to propose myself a place as writer! Which, would be another source of steady income, once again doing something I know!

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed and sticking to my new healthy eating habits and hoping that each of these new pathways work out! OK, here's the picture. By the way, it will be apparent when I REALLY start to see a difference because I won't bury the picture way down on the post anymore.... :)

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

Another Day

OK, here's me... call me weird, but I'm seeing an improvement. This picture is considerably less painful than the others. I'm going to catch up all the haps tomorrow. The events are growing and I fear I will fall behind and never be able to remember all the sordid details which are really the best parts! Stay tuned for more on:
  • Clients sent to rehab days before closing on a house
  • Egotistical client offers low on a new construction home and is not laughed out of the deal!
  • Home is lovingly rehabbed and then languishes on the market
  • Pity party thrown
  • Disney's Electrical Parade soundtrack found to be cure for depression
  • Tessie and Bear try out for Middle School play - OH! The Drama!
  • A Thirty Year Reunion is planned - A rebellion is afoot!
  • Supplemental employment - reality or realty?
  • Landlord or Slumlord
  • Doggy doors - replace the carpet or replace the door?
  • Freelance Newsletters - my key to solvency?

Well, for some reason my network won't let me upload the picture, perhaps a blessing.

**update** Network allowed upload

Sunday, November 6, 2005

November 3 and 4

OK, I've been a little preoccupied. Sticking to this healthy diet, and still hanging with my buds who are a constant bad influence on me. I'm strong though - ha ha.

So anyway, here are the two latest photo installments, sadly, they just look like the previous two. I need to keep this up though, as painful as it is to think that anyone else is looking at these.

I don't have a lot to say... which is odd coz there is a whole ton of stuff going on, I just can't focus my ADD mind on any one long enough to write about it.

It occurs to me that if I'd jot down a little bit each night, even if it's not Shakespearean, it would ease up on the pressure to back track and write out the whole back story every time something occurs to me.

OK, now that I've used up enough space to ease the shock of the pictures being the first thing you see when the page loads - here it is.

November 3

November 4

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

More Who Am I?

OK, going with this theme, I thought I'd also do something that is really scary to me, a picture log of my progress on this eating plan full of promise for a healthier, younger looking me.

Yesterday I weighed 165, looked like hell, and felt very tired at the end of the day. Sleepy tired, with a headache, but not muscle fatigue tired, plus my back didn't really hurt all that much. I stuck to the diet to the letter. Eggs with spinach and fruit, all the vitamins, green tea and water for breakfast. A tomatoey stew with veggies and chicken and cashew butter with a salad dressed with olive oil and lemon juice for lunch, along with the vitamins, green tea and more water. A snack around 3 of celery sticks and guacamole made with edamame, more tea, more water. Dinner was wild caught salmon (canned) with steamed asparagus with olive oil lemon juice and dill drizzled over the top with yes, more green tea and more water and some more vitamins. I skipped the evening snack because I was so tired I went to bed at 8:30.

For a long time I haven't slept through the night due to breathing problems, (snoring) and back pain. Last night, I only woke up once or twice and my back didn't really hurt enough to have to get up and walk around like I usually do. Plus my mouth wasn't really dry so maybe I wasn't snoring.

OK, today, I feel pretty good, I took another picture... I thought I looked better today when I looked in the mirror, but - the camera doesn't lie. Maybe I'm just a lousy photographer... yeah thats it! Anyway here it is, and I can only hope there is some progress tomorrow....

Tuesday, November 1, 2005

Who Am I?

Oprah asked that question yesterday on her show. Ironically yesterday was the day that Dave and I had chosen to be the last day of our old lives (what ever those were) and today is the start of everything new. We started an eating plan based on Dr. Perricone’s latest book (not a diet) that promises to improve not only our looks but our health both physical and mental. Yesterday was also the day we found out that the people we thought were going to buy our house, are not going to buy our house. It was also Halloween, and sadly probably the last Trick or Treating Halloween for the kids. They started out with a pack of kids, and then either the other kids parents wouldn’t let them go, or some just didn’t want to go. So Tessie and Bear, a pink teenage bunny, and an insane punk clown, trudged woefully home on a relatively warm October evening, and resigned themselves to answering the door and handing out candy. Even sadder, we only had about 5 groups come by. The mall has taken over.

So, yesterday, as I prepared our healthy meals for today, I watched Oprah’s show about why people let themselves go. Again, pretty timely for me. So who am I? This new eating plan, like others, suggests that you take a “before” picture and then take another one after 28 days. OK. So after taking the before picture, one of my answers to the question is: I am absolutely the ugliest woman on the planet. Hopefully this will change. I realize that is not an answer in the spirit of the question, but it does have a bearing on my psyche.

Physicality aside, I honestly do have a pretty positive view of who I am. The person, the soul, that exists here and now and has a purpose. So what is that? Lets review:

I am an encourager. I get real pleasure out of seeing those I love excell at something they love. I even get a kick out of them doing something I suggested, and then thinking it was their idea.
I am an entertainer. I love to make people laugh, even if it’s at me, not with me. I love to wrap my words around an idea, and turn a situation into a metaphor – or a parable.
I am a dreamer or a planner. I’ve always got a new plan or big idea. Something to make something more efficient, or steps toward a new goal.

OK, that’s the good side, lets see what I am when no one’s looking, so to speak, since they say that’s what you really are:

I’m a martyr. I always put others first, mostly because I want to, but truthfully, I am hoping for a little of the same for myself, and I admit I’m disappointed when I don’t get it.
I’m a cynic. I usually look on the bright side of everything except human nature. I tend to mistrust people who want to do something for me, especially if I don’t know them. Exactly opposite of what I hope others feel about me.
I’m a quitter. A start over-er. A runner away. If something gets to familiar, or to uncomfortable, most of my mind activity is focused on how to get away, or get out of or stop or change that something. Relationships, jobs, towns. Sometimes this tendency can be used for good, but mostly I feel like it’s my dark side.

OK, six answers. Three positive, three not so positive. All six absolutely honest. So, where do I go from here? That’s not all I am – or is it? Will it change daily?