I had just started with a new doctor, who, I began to notice, had a healthy, if not unnervingly gleeful curiosity about
Ultimately, she told me that 7 vials of blood needed to be drawn to test for everything from adrenal fatigue, to rickets. 4 vials of saliva needed to be collected in order to renew my hormone replacement therapy. I'd need a full physical, a mammogram, oh, and a colonoscopy. All of which came with varying degrees of what I could and couldn't
Great. We all know what happens when I modify my diet in any way... my whole office, concerned for my well being of course, demands to know the reason why. So, I figured since I'd be sharing the intimate details about my bodily fluid collection, and the exploration of my inner recesses with them, I might as well share those details here with the whole world!
Now, despite a couple of large bruises that formed on my inner arms where the blood was drawn, I really had little to talk about for the first couple weeks in September. And really, you can complain about inconvenience, or pain all you want, but there's no one that actually wants to talk about spitting into a tube, or getting your boobs squished. It's not sexy, and it's not funny.
But, (pun intended) then the time drew near for the dreaded colonoscopy. You'd be surprised at what a bonding opportunity that turned out to be. It's like childbirth, every one who's had one has a story. Even relative strangers, once they know you're going to become "one of the club," feel like they can share the details of their personal experience.
And, when you think about it, I mean if you're healthy, there's nothing that's NOT funny about a colonoscopy. Seriously, first, there's the fourth grade butt and poop humor that just never stops coming... it just cracks me up... I started to write them all down, but I got a little behind... don't worry, I'm not offended if you don't laugh, I'll just turn the other cheek...
OK, enough jokes, that's the end
As I was writing this, knowing I would be talking about personal things, I got out my thesaurus to look up alternate options for the word intimate, since it seemed to be popping up frequently. Even that list of words started to make me giggle...
Main Entry: intimate
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: private, personal
Synonyms: confidential, deep, deep-seated, detailed, elemental, essential, exhaustive, experienced, firsthand, guarded, gut, immediate, in-depth, inborn, inbred, indwelling, ingrained, inherent, inmost, innate, innermost, interior, internal, intrinsic, penetrating, privy, profound, secret, special, thorough, trusted, uptight, visceral, viscerous.
OK, enough. So, a few days before my appointment, I got a packet in the mail from the Endoscopy Department. I opened it, eagerly expecting some hilarious potty humor. Inside were instructions, a packet of the powdered "prep" called Golytely, and a full color brochure titled "Understanding Colonoscopy."
In the brochure were lots of pictures of happy people, caring, white-coated doctors, latex gloved hands, a fleshy veined tunnel with an arrow pointing to a polyp which resembles a turkey wattle, and a lovely cartoon-like diagram of a colon, which actually looks more like a curvy lineup of those orange candy circus peanuts. Cheesy, but not funny. The written part explained the
I will discuss Golytely, it's ironic pronunciation and purpose as well as the actual procedure in detail later. For now lets just say that the end was in sight, but the instructions on how to get there did not leave me feeling reassured, nor amused.