Birds of a feather flock together ... and crap on your car.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
If you can smile when things go wrong ... you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name Is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together It spells "Theirs?"
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.