How I Killed Osama Nasty Tree

A rainy day, an affluent weed infested area, and the family's approval--this is the story of how Nasty Tree was discovered and ultimately killed.

An infestation of shallow rooted terrorist weeds, has long held my backyard hostage.  It became apparent that these weeds, which, if left un-pulled, grew into trees, had a complex underground root structure, and it was discovered that they emanated from one all powerful leader – Osama Nasty Tree.  But which tree it was, I could not be sure.  I made it clear that killing or capturing Osama Nasty Tree and the sleeper cells of weeds he spawned was one of my highest priorities - the family agreed.  

According to my initial assessments, Nasty Tree could be hiding in a weed infested area in the northwest corner of my yard. We developed the theory of Nasty Tree’s whereabouts through leads gained from Nasty tree’s inner circle and from rogue weeds we had captured. Finally, I was able to track him down to a sprawling weed infested area in my yard, a relatively affluent enclave favored by weeds of all ilk. The area was massive, and tightly guarded, which raised the initial suspicions that this was more than just an ordinary weed patch.  Many of his weedy associates in other parts of my yard and throughout the region are living in much more dire conditions, you have to be wondering what they’re thinking at this moment when they see that their leader was living, relatively speaking, high on the hog.

Early Saturday morning in my yard, despite the rain, the strike began, but we were doubtful that Nasty Tree would go down without a fight.  We constructed a full-scale mock-up of the weed infested area in The Garage, to practice the most effective ways of breaching its perimeter and assaulting various numbers of defenders. I monitored the operation in real time. In The Garage, the mood was tense.  A stealth raid wasn't the only option I considered.  We had the option of Roundup bombing the weed infested area, but opted in the end for the stealth raid, so that no other flora would be killed in the operation.  A family chainsaw was lost in the operation because of mechanical failure, creating more white-knuckle moments in The Garage.

While the killing of Nasty Tree is a huge milestone in the battle against Nasty trees everywhere, the battle ahead remains difficult. This does not mean we are putting down our guard as far as Nasty tree is concerned.  It may be a mortally wounded tiger that still has some life in it, and it's dangerous. We need to keep up the pressure.